Matt Bellassai was born around 1400 BC. Historians disagree on the exact date, but agree he was abandoned by his mother in a wicker basket soon after his birth and sent down the Nile wrapped only in a scratchy blanket full of grass stains, dirt and fingernails. He was eventually found and raised by a family of wealthy Egyptian royals. He grew up to lead the Israelites to freedom.

But nobody believes him when he tells that story. So he has to say he was born in 1990. Like some kind of non-biblical loser.

Loser Matt was raised in the suburbs of Chicago and peed his pants until he was eight years old. Unsurprisingly, he went on to become Alan B. Shepard High School’s Biggest Nerd of 2008, and wore such titles as Mathletes’ Most Valuable Player, President of the Science Club, and First Place Champion in the 2006 South Suburban Science Invitational’s Insect Identifying Contest. Which is not a joke. He has a ribbon for identifying insects in an actual insect-identifying competition. What a fucking nerd, right?

Matt went to Northwestern University where he ran for student body president and fucking lost. He graduated in 2012 with a degree in journalism and approximately one full assload of student debt.

In 2012, Matt joined BuzzFeed as a comedy writer and was Employee of the Month for 39 straight months. In 2015, he co-created, wrote and produced the web series “Whine About It,” a weekly video series where he got drunk alone and violated numerous Human Resources bylaws.

In January 2016, Matt was awarded the first ever People’s Choice Award for Favorite Social Media Star. Which is also not a joke. He has an actual People’s Choice Award in his apartment right now. And yes, he’s tried to masturbate with it.

After three and half years with BuzzFeed, Matt left to pursue solo projects in early 2016. He has since launched a new weekly web series, “To Be Honest,” and a stand-up comedy tour. He is currently working on a forthcoming scripted web series, book, television series and podcast. He is also working on his tan.

Matt lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan with four undocumented gerbils named Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. He is single, which should be obvious.